As I pour myself my 8th bottle of water from the jug sitting on the table in front of me I find myself getting a little more than agitated and although it would not be well advised to quiz the person about his tartly lateness, I feel that after waiting 4 hours I really should. Another hour or so passes and in saunters Tobias Peter Lohmann, star of the hit SLGB show “Lobster, The Spin-Off!”.
My first mistake of the evening is quizzing what in the name of God could have taken Tobias so long, he is after all, not that big of a star. “How about ULEARN to read the clock!” he huffs sitting down on a plump leather chair a mere meter or so away from me, he wraps his beige jumper with a brown ring on one sleeve around himself and declares “IM COLD!” as Executive Producer and one half of SLGB walks past, Siobhan McD herself. I quickly change the subject and get to my list of questions.
Rumours recently have been circulating of disagreements in contracts at SLGB and word on the street is that Tobias refuses to mock his own existence any further unless paid in double, when quizzed about these reports Tobias asks “Who R U?” having seemingly forgotten that he is getting interviewed. When finally getting back on track and being asked where these rumours come from (Tobias denies the rumours with a firm “NoNo!”) he simply tilts his head back, flares his nostrils, gapes his wide German mouth and whispers “They are just dumb I guess, hehe”.
The truth is (as later confirmed by Phil McCrackin of SLGB Productions) “Tobias disagreed with some internal policies here at SLGB, they said he was a total arsehole and that’s what the public wanted to see – he in turn disagreed and said that they only wanted to see him ‘cam’ with them.” Phil goes on to say “there was a dispute for sometime that mostly went back and forth between screams of “FINE FUCK OFF AND BYE” and “CHANGE UR FUCKING FONT OR I BLOCK U!” but nothing came of it, currently the show is near the beginning of Season Two and is on a small hiatus due to co-stars commitments to other Projects”. While one co-star, Amanda Currie is tied up for the time being filming “Amanda the Musical 2 – Amanda Takes Manhattan” she swears to return to the show as soon as possible. I find myself wondering if her enthusiasm to return is for Tobias himself but as she is not around I do the next best thing and ask him his feelings for his temporarily departed co-star.
“I like but not in loe stuff” he reassures me stroking his leg.
As I announce that I have all the information that I need, Tobias moves a little closer and, poised on the edge of a whisper, stands up, pulls his belt off, removes a webcam from the back of his pocket and announces “LETS CAM!” as his trousers hit the floor. I decline, attempting to be polite but doing my best to stay away from any German penis activity. A look of disgust graces Tobias’ face as he sticks a large hand in my face and announces “WOTEVER!” he moves towards the door and shouts “BYE THEN!” – falling over his trousers around his ankles as he goes.
- Season Two of “Lobster, The Spin-Off” continues in the Winter.